I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
