Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
