I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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