I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
