You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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