He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He better not be in your backpack
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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