God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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