Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
