you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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