I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
