my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
