So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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