I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
