the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
