i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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