I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize