kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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