I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
