I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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