the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
