She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
