I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
