i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
