Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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