we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
