hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
