you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize