You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
