then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
