he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
