When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
