i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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