So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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