would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
