I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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