I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
