Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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