farters have to be the big spoon...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize