I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
