i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
