Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
