I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
