Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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