You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
