What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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