No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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