And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
