being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When are your genitals available?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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