she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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