if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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