don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
