either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
