I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
