I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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