peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
