I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
