Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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