my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
