That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize